we broke up and he got another girl pregnant

You seem upset at biology that women are the ones that carry the children and and therefore has the ability to decide or not to continue on with a pregnancy whereas a guy doesnt have that same right. Sad that the life you thought was going to happen when you got back with the BF is going to get messier? Continuing along the lines of what John Rohan said above (maybe way above, because Im at work and my reply will take some time to type surreptitiously): The LW and the guy broke up. lets_be_honest Funny, he only came back to you after he found out the other girl was pregnant. Why you waste any time belly aching about how unfair it is, is beyond me. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. evanscr05 Move on. As for the whole mans right to not be a parent to a child thing, I agree with _jsw_. So sad that anyone would think its even necessary to implement such a system. Your boyfriend made his choice when he had unprotected sex. slept with someone else. She never said an unkind word about him and made sure I knew that hed fulfilled his obligations by paying child support. Hes furious with the woman for keeping the child. They wanted the child and now they want to whine about how hard it is? And if so, Im ready. 1. For all you know she could be 35 and realize that this may be her one chance to have a baby. I think hes allowed to have an opinion about the woman after all, hes about to be handcuffed to her for the next 19 years or so. I agree with the magically thing. Iwannatalktosampson evanscr05 Why are people here creating scenarios that arent in the letter? However, not once did I say anything like what youre implying. .you can call me whatever you like. Abandoning a child does. Bless her heart. Maybe because she wants a tie to the LWs boyfriend. Cant thank you enough for your response! April 9, 2012, 6:39 pm, Oh, please. Basically, he is dumping you and moving on. Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? No one is forcing any woman to have the child and much less to keep it. He chose to roll the dice and take his chances with intercourse. I dont see why this issue is any different. Our relationship was mostly good until we hit a rough patch towards the last year of our relationship. He has a requirement to the mother of his child as well. LW, you need to take time to look at what you want in your life. The LW said that he is furious that shes keeping the baby. Been there Iwannatalktosampson I was just 6 months into a relationship when I got pregnant. He didnt marry you. I could hypothesize all day and comment on all kinds of things that might be happening but theres enough crap in this letter that it hardly seems necessary to make any up. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke. April 9, 2012, 12:53 pm, He might very well be an immature asshole. female Do you have any other questions? While youre at it make sure to pop out a few more kids yourself, too. He could be the a killer robot. LW, your boyfriend is an ass and youre acting like one. If you and a person you want to sleep with are not on the same page on what should happen in case of accidental pregnancy, dont have sex with them. or if shes just done too many drugs or something and her brain is rotting away. Or until we decide to start a family.. I dont think Ive ever seen you swear on here before! If he didnt want to wear condomwhateverIll even give him the benefit there. hes signing up for sex, not fatherhood. But hes no knight in shining armor because he is willing to bare some legally minimal level of responsibility. We broke up for 8 hours 2 months in and he met another girl within those 8 hours. He didnt expose her to STDs. April 9, 2012, 6:16 pm. Im lucky that it has worked well for me and Im still childless, especially given the recent breakup and all. You dont get to badmouth this woman just because she wont get an abortion that YOU and your boyfriend want her to get. He could have also said he wants the baby, and the LW is lying. You are feeling particularly aggressive or bold. This woman might very well be lying. For the woman to turn around after the fact and say, Whups, knocked up! You have the proof he banged her and now they have a child together. Let him deal with the consequences of his own actions without relying on you to rescue him. And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters. By having sex you are saying that the woman might get pregnant and you are willing to deal with it if that is the case. lets_be_honest MOA, ASAP. Once again its the way the LW and the bf (at least the way the LW is presenting his reactions) acted about the potential baby that are rubbing people the wrong way. He is going to focus his energy and time with his baby momma, his relationship with her, and making sure his child is born. Ok, lets say he has the right to have as much unprotected sex as he wants. Chuck(le) Have you ever seen an episode of the Maury show or any other talk drama show? SweetsAndBeats The child support goes to support the child. But dont be surprised if he gets slapped with child support responsibilities b/c he couldnt be responsible enough to prevent pregnancy it takes two. April 10, 2012, 7:35 pm. Look you can either take what the LW wrote in the letter to be a marginally accurate representation of what is going on or why bother reading and commenting at all? John Rohan Coke didnt have to do anything wrong. His girlfriend got pregnant, they got engaged, realized they didnt work as a couple, they decided it was in the best interest of the child if he was not a part of her life in any way, shape, or form, and so he signed some legal documents waiving all parental rights to the child, which absolved him of any responsibility to provide child support. If the person who carried the child to term (woman) wants to turn the kid over to adoptive parents to care for it, then the responsibilitys on them. She has every right to be shocked and upset about the turn of the events, but the way she is reacting; blaming everything on the woman, judging her, calling HER names, is wrong and she comes off as an immature, witchy teenager. Because he had sex? How about, The woman who decided to keep the child knowing that the man was not interested in being a father and providing support?. And, you are not the choice. So, ask yourself why do you allow it? Turns out that the bout of food poisoning she got after their anniversary dinner and the diarrhea that came with it messed with the effectiveness of her birth control pills. The vast majority of parents who have at least a rough acknowledgement of their paternity/maternity have joint custody even if the guys a deadbeat. But clearly this woman who is keeping her child DOES really want the child and is presumably prepared to handle all that comes with having a child. Wheww. she should bear full responsibility for child care, because it is a decision she has made. Everyone seems to assume he didnt use a condom, but nothing in the letter says that. And to the LW your boyfriend is not the victim in all of this. Wrap it up or dont have sex, thats the only choice YOU have. So the system is very one sided. Having legal custody doesnt guarantee you or prevent you from paying support. April 9, 2012, 5:17 pm. He was not tricked into having sex with her without protection. I thought you were disputing the comments about it being not that contagious by disclosing that you were HIV positive. whose pregnancy and right to bear the child are apparently sacrosanct.-yep, true story All I could think about when I read this letter was what an awful situation that child is going to be exposed to, through no fault of his/her own. Sleeping with someone so soon after a breakup? You know, I dont have much patience this morning, so I (somewhat) apologize if my reply reeks of snark.. theQuietOne You cant live without food. Chuck Pelto I wish there was some way he could have prevented himself from ejaculating into a woman if only there was some way he could have arranged that some way for him to have control over his reproductive material or the choice of woman or the choice to ejaculate at all if only the poor man no choice in the matter AT ALL Mostly for the kid though, I think. Most guys with the level of responsibility that he is showing dont pay child support, anyway. April 9, 2012, 2:39 pm. if she has a miscarriage because he's back with you, your fault. Im sorry you feel you are in the minority. reader, bright.beautifulK90+, writes (24 November 2010): A But if she is not YOU need to decide if you can handle your boyfriend having a child with another woman. *ETA: also, most of my comments on here are usually light-heardely dumbed down just to lighten the mood a little. Its not exactly the same by any means, but similar enough for me to have thought it. She is certain it is his. He sounds like bad news. Your logic is weird. Besides, he made that choice a long time ago when you broke up the first time. Are you kidding? Im not saying its a trivial thing, but its nothing compared to birth. submandave bittergaymark I accept that its the law, just like its the law that you basically have to get raped by an ultrasound device in Texas in order to get an abortion. Whatever. And, in fact, there is arguably no way for the woman to actually be 100% certain of her final attitude prior to becoming pregnant. lets_be_honest My hand felt like someone smacked a block of ice with a hammer. lets_be_honest bittergaymark I wish it's that easy. My Boyfriend Got Another Woman Pregnant & It Changed My Views On Parenthood. And oxygen. iseeshiny Im surprised that so many people here are assuming that just because a guy has sex and gets a girl pregnant, he undergoes an immediate 180* like a Sim changing their clothes and becomes a devoted, excited father-to-be. I dont understand the level of anger sparked by this man not wanting to be physically involved in this childs life. He said hes willing to give that support, he just wont be there to actually raise his future child. Who knew? Change the subject and attack is not debate and makes you look pathetic. April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. I think hes scum because 1.- he asked the other woman to have an abortion and 2.- now hes mad that she didnt. Now imagine a bunch of people calling you a scumbag for having the temerity to be angry at your friend, arguing that the situation is of your own making since you should have known this was a possibility when you lent out the car. Males pay a surrogate to carry the tissue blob, or lesbians can carry the tissue blob themselves. iseeshiny I chose to have a baby. skyblossom And she doesnt have to be a liar to have been on antibiotics, thus rendering the pill largely ineffective. The dream is a signal for your quest for power. We have been able to shield the kids from this at this point. And _JSW_, if youre reading this too, thanks for an interesting evening. But you were split up for 2 months and cant bear to live without each other yet he didnt waste any time jumping into bed with someone he barely knows? So, in other words, RR, it is a noble thing to give your child to strangers in the hope that he or she is treated well (that the adoptive parents wont abuse them, wont get divorced in a messy way, wont let them fend for themselves, and so on), even though youll have no interaction with that child again, but it is base and vile to have the same lack of interaction but to provide financial support which doesnt in any way affect the mothers ability to find a partner that is right for her. Are you kidding? 6napkinburger Just as the guy needs to respect the ladys decision to keep it. Imagine that you get to design a law that will allow fairness no matter which of these happens. Ive done too many drugs and Id never write a letter like this XD. Eggzactlee, though I dont burn effigies as we have Spare the Air days in CA. And yes it a double standardoh wait men dont have uteruses, silly me. Or shes against abortion. Youre taking something he is saying pre-child and assuming that it is the reality of what will happen post-birth. Shortly afterward we learned that he got the other woman pregnant. Call me crazy, but I dont see any partys reaction to this crazy. let us know if he had). In my opinion, even if the baby turns out to not be his, hes already shown his true colors; and theyre pretty yellow. Senior year of high school, you turn to your boyfriend and say the words hes been dying to hear I think Im ready. He responds with Great, Im totally ready to be a dad anyway. Uh, no, were using protection. No, I know. First, if you cant live without someone, why did you need a break? Merely that it is an immense expense for the man for a situation that he didnt want a situation which, as I said, the woman is never forced to endure. I wouldnt. April 10, 2012, 6:26 pm. If that means not being with your boyfriend for the next 9 months to a year, then so be it (I dont think youll die without him). just my opinion. Whatever the case, youre not adding to the discussion. SpaceySteph lets_be_honest female The way you talk, I gotta believe youre one of those disgusting pro-lifers who are always trying to control people. April 10, 2012, 5:55 pm, Heterophobe, hmmm, thats new one. As much as men have some inherent advantages, women do as well, and one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met. April 9, 2012, 11:16 am, Oh, good lord. 4. April 9, 2012, 1:10 pm. April 10, 2012, 5:54 pm. Whoa whoa whoa this kid should be the most important thing in his life, over her? I think the LW comes across as bitter and resentful and would rather blame the other woman, making her out to be the villain, than to admit that she and her ex really might not belong together. haha I agree. She seems proud of his bad-boy ways and his current claim that she is the only woman who can tame him into marriage. Second, after all this talk of how disgusting he was for supposedly not using a condom, not knowing her all that long, etc., why no talk about this woman doing the exact same thing (number it takes to tango = 2) and having to deal with the consequences? April 10, 2012, 7:00 pm, If you dont want to potentially end up with a kid with a woman you cant stand, dont have sex with her.. You mean, a man shouldnt be able to decide to throw money at his child, but never once be involved whatsoever in the childs life? No real comment from me today. Likewise, you could find a wealth of men who paid for children who werent theirs. lets_be_honest Chuck Pelto By your logic, its just as much the waiters fault for not making sure the kitchen used different gloves when she didnt bother to tell him just how severe her allergy was. God knows the mother of this child will have no choice but to do that. That a woman has a right to choose if she carries a child to term or not should nor mean that she has a right to choose how a man spends his money for the next 18 years. I doubt the conversation went like: Please have an abortion. Landygirl, I think we should stop feeding the trolls. The prohibition against abortion is taken far more seriously by some than the religious prohibition against non-marital sense. April 9, 2012, 5:57 pm. April 9, 2012, 2:54 pm. Sounds like its coming out of the starting blocks with two strikes against it in the gene pool department. caitie_didnt She wants to live in a dorm with her friends and no way is she missing weeks of school to give birth. But, now hes faced with the unwanted consequences of that choice, and while its unfortunate, its how life works. To be fair, the pregnant woman could be an idiot too but the only info we have about her is that she participated in sex with the LWs bf after knowing him a short time, says she was on birth control and is now pregnant and planning to raise the child. I dont think the LW can handle a relationship where another woman has her mans child. Who the hell else is clicking that button??! If theres anyone whos unfairly been put in this mess, its not you its the baby. I really only mean exactly what I said. Oh I definitely agree, a laid back scenario is no more absurd, it really depends on how people take what he is saying. Yes, its not a crime. I'm devastated and broken. Can I just say that would bother me a lot. Susie can do what she wants but he wants nothing to do with it. He slept with a woman he believed to be on the pill. April 9, 2012, 2:07 pm. We have been broken up for a few months but have remained friends and in contact. I dont think I have ever seen so many thumbs up on one post And it deserves them! April 9, 2012, 12:24 pm. 2. Knowing him for two minutes is not significant at all to a woman who feels that abortion is morally wrong for religious reasons. This asshole is not the answer. I dont think hes scum based on this either. Why do you think that is? What the LW needs to do is take a deep breath, wait a long time for this situation to resolve, and then decide what she wants to do. To everyone. SpaceySteph Ive done that on a number of occasions. He wants nothing to do with her OR the baby? Its Gone Downhill. [The feminist movement died one millisecond after the first impact. Ummm sorry your comparison is ridiculous because in that case its 100% the fault of the person eating at the restaurant. Pardon my French but if youre going to stick your dick into a stranger, you need to take birth control into your own hands and not rely on her word alone. Maybe the man in me is coming out today, but in a time where all you hear about is the War on Women and how dare any man tell a woman what they can and cannot do with their bodies that anyone on here can say this man doesnt have a right to do whatever he pleases with his body. He told me he will obviously be paying for it but wants nothing to do with her OR the baby.. But thats a crime? April 9, 2012, 1:57 pm. I think that one should be able to decide if one is ready to be a parent and, if not, make that clear when there is time to abort the pregnancy. A April 10, 2012, 5:46 pm. The letter writers bf is furious at the woman having his child. When someone else makes a decision that massively affects my life for the worse and disregards my preferences, it makes me angry and frustrated. Thats fd. They Didn't "Win". April 10, 2012, 6:21 pm, And yet men still keep having sex with us. He still has to pay. Mileage 450. You moved and hoped he would come chasing you. You knew he would not or could not be the man you wanted. If he wore a condom and if she was on the pill, hes an idiot because what? April 10, 2012, 6:52 pm. Life is unfair. Id drop this guy in a heartbeat. She looked enough to bang, though, huh? It would be one thing if he just lashed out in momentary anger/shock, but soon came around to a more sane discussion of options, etc. 8. She came first. I just think its extremely scumbag-ish to want nothing to do with your child, no matter how it was conceived. I just felt a huge blow of betrayal because I was waiting for him to talk to me again. Or could CG be right, and this is all a hoax? As for the STDs nobody is saying that you shouldnt have sex because you could get them, they are saying that if you are going to have unprotected sex, and then sleep with a different person after that, you at the very least owe it to them, to tell them that you did this, and if they ask, you should get tested. Because once the innocent kid is here, the fact that he/she was an accident does not mean he/she has less of a need for supportive, involved parents. If youre going to have casual sex, there are some things you can leave to the goodwill of others and some where youve gotta be a little bit proactive. And how can you be mad at the woman? April 9, 2012, 2:45 pm. Dr. Sherry. The woman also gets to choose to keep the baby if she wants (even against his wishes), and gets the added benefit of forcing an unwitting and unwilling father into servitude for what is completely and totally her choice by your own admission. April 9, 2012, 9:31 pm. The fact that you just knew your boyfriend got another girl pregnant before you start dating him shows that both of you is lacking a good communication way. So he and the LW should break up for good. April 9, 2012, 1:00 pm. Because one of the known outcomes is happening to him and hes pissed at someone else. Aside from social media stalking, many ex-couples continue to actually communicatetrying to stay friends. reader, haley 22+, writes (22 June 2008): A Like raising a child is easy. That was his choice, but what hes done is made you feel sorry for him. Or until we decide to start a family., By that logic, virtually every dude on the planet is an idiot. He might very well be an immature asshole. But biology runs the show and grown adults know the game going in. If this woman wants to have the child, then she can have it: why is it up to you or your boyfriend to tell her she cant? April 10, 2012, 4:35 pm. thats why both parties should be concerned about preventing pregnancy because you have no idea what the other person is doing. Having the right to do something OBVIOUSLY doesnt mean its always a good idea. entertaining for sure, but dont be so surprised when people call you out on it a la Landygirl. I dont think he is a bad person for telling a woman within the first trimester of a pregnancy that he barely knew and presumably made no false impressions to that he did not want a child and had no intention of being a part of that childs life. In fact, Im sure you could find a wealth of women who never received support a day in their life. Im also a longtime lurker who was a little taken aback by all the vitriol aimed at this mans head. Guess what LW? Who deserves to have the two people who were responsible for bringing it into the world both contributing to support it. Give him another chance. Men get a say in abortions? I think she is just trying to trap my man, who is untrappable. I get owning up to your responsibilities in an unwanted pregnancy, but you cant really think that is going through every non-idiot males mind when he gets ready to have sex. So then, to be clear, your point isnt that gay men are more likely to wear condoms. There is no child at conception very good. But that doesnt mean she has the right to be angry at this man either. I said there and I think it bears repeating here: you have no right to assume the woman you are having sex with has the same views on abortion as you. The woman accepts the ejaculate what she does with it is now her business, and her business alone. Im not questioning the reality of the situation Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. But instead, she rushed into a new relationship with some new guy, got pregnant, and appeared completely irresponsible. But everything youve written here about the pregnancy and the well being of the child has made me look at things with fresh eyes. And you dont sound much better. Or perhaps youre a world-wise know-it-all 19 year old who heard everything you regurgitate here from your Womens Studies professor bitter after falling for the same sure I love you baby slickster line you mentioned above. ele4phant I can agree with you that the decision about which medical proceedure she under goes after that point is totally hers., Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards?. But I just don't know anymore. It is time to take a hard honest look at yourself and why you really want to be in a relationship with a man that wants to be with someone else. Happens all the time. Id at least like a comment from the LW, since, as much fun as this has been, I do agree that it seems not unlikely that the letter is contrived. And now I couldnt imagine life without my husband, but Im pretty sure Id live through it (and have) if he werent around. April 10, 2012, 7:01 pm. I dont doubt that Sure Baby, I love you. That child has done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve to be thrown in the middle of these grown-up problems. No one should be shocked or angry when they become a parent after doing the exact thing that causes pregnancy. Yep. How fast his new relationship is moving. Have whatever sex you want. I have tried to encourage him to stay with this woman soley because of this pregnancy How generous of you. Actions have consequences. The adoption process has a pretty involved vetting procedure- meaning that birth parents can reasonably assume the child will be cared for by the adoptive parent or parents. Seriously. Find someone without baggage. You deserve better. Meaning, a woman SHOULD ask the guy who knocked her up what he would like. April 9, 2012, 1:28 pm. August 24, 2019, 2:54 pm. REALLY?! However, I do find your mindset to be telling: And yet you still have sex with us The implication being that if a man has sex with a woman, they should be prepared to pay dearly for it for the rest of their lives. If you cant live with those outcomes, dont have sex with her. I mean, he loved the baby mama enough to get erected & to bang her & to just release evrything to make her pregnant, & what the fuck am I thinking?!?!? Consider that this is the kind of guy that has casual sex with people he doesnt really know/like while on break from a relationship with someone he cant live without. I would love to pil your brain on this, specifically how your mom handled discussing it with you if you would be Willing to share. So, this man had sex with a women while he was unattached and not under any commitment, and that makes him scum?. Susie is lost. How the heck do you administer THAT?! And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. I just dont see any part of the circumstance that allows a 40 year old man who was having consensual sex to take the other issues out on his own child by refusing to have anything to do with it. Wrap it up or dont have sex, thats the only choice YOU have.. honeybeenicki Your body, your choice; however, your choice, your problem. BC. I think the whole situation is a mess though, & youre 2nd paragraph (She seems proud of his bad-boy ways and his current claim that she is the only woman who can tame him into marriage) is spot-on. You bet. I think its more like HIV sufferers are more likely to be honest about how they got it because there isnt a societal blind eye for bullshitting about your personal responsibility for ending up in the predicament. Hes allowed to not want to be a father! I do think he has a legal and monetary one, which he has stepped up to. We only have sex if were ready to be a father? Having unprotected sex is not a crime, but if you have sex without a condom with someone you dont know or trust entirely yet, you need to know that there is the possibility a child could be conceived, either by accident or deception. For all we know, he used a condom and thought she was on the pill. Your ilk will perish from a lack of procreation. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. He didnt expect that to happen. I weep for the younger folks out there. You are acting like child support is some sort of lottery win for the woman it is court ordered money that is to go towards the care of your child. It seems like the LW is painting the woman in this scenario as the sole person responsible for the pregnancy. His? Because she does not have the right to waive support for the child. He says fine, Ill support you financially, but really I dont wanna be a dada. If the man doesnt, apparently you feel that he should not have that option. Stuff like this really grinds my gears. After 2 months, I initiated for a comeback. I totally agree with you for reasons you likely already understand. And whether you think its fair or not that the woman gets the final say on whether to abort or not and the father has to live with that decision, it doesnt matter. Rachel, I have a child in the same situation. Its interesting how none of these comments address that he SPECIFICALLY said that he would have nothing to do with his own child. Please. I dont feel like his decision to not be involved in his biological childs life makes him an immature asshole. AndreaMarie A woman who is raped is stuck with the agonizing choice of getting an abortion, or carrying a child to term. Identical twin men: one is an IVF doctor, one is a carpenter.