I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. Kudos to You! Learn to say, "I wish you the best.". Ive come to terms with it rather. We weigh in on the toxicity of those who don't understand boundaries and whether holding a grudge. And yet, when it comes to forgiveness, we dont think that it means anything unless we can hoodwink ourselves into liking it. Thanks again! But, its OK. After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. I am definitely tempted to do this! Lisa. When I got older I realized I didnt have to take her crap anymore. A stronger immune system. There were only two or three large employers so it was almost inevitable. Validation? Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. I dont like to be around you. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. They can seem like two different states of mind. Lol, Grace! I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. So need this. I hope youre doing great!! I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. I broke it off after a few weeks because the emotional rollercoaster was too painful but then spent the last 4 months wondering what could have been, would have been, should have been, and so on. Despite your best efforts, it's impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. You have to do whats necessary to protect you! Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. She would actually get mad at me, my relationship w her was at stake. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. That means behaving in their ultimate best interests. I used to think it was 77 times, but its in fact 70 times 7. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. It breaks my heart a bit. If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. If you are a Mayo Clinic patient, this could 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge. It simply means that youre choosing to move on. The last contact was from him via text and a general birthday card. So you painfully move on. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. You begin to realize Although you think about it sometimes, you can live w/o it, and you feel better. Toxic people, narcissists, and passive-aggressive people know they are hurtful. Hes an ass. And its SPOT ON. I guess that sounds awful but its just me. Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? I think in Natalies earlier blog posts she talks about how we are usually attracted to people that somehow fulfill our beliefs about relationships/or qualities that we ourselves have or things we value. And my ex is sort of like yourssmiley and nice, genial and willing to help. other information we have about you. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. Dont make excuses for this idiot! Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. Recovery is exhausting. Are you worthy of the air you breathe? Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. A clean break is no more than him messing with my head when there is no future. Keep telling yourself that. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. But. surprise surprise. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. Boundary or grudge setting boundaries will get pushback When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. Be grateful he is gone and you dodged a bullet. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. I was/am angry for giving him the ego stroke that he can still have an effect on me and that what he did is still a source of anger for me. We forgive the debt and move on (without the person and without payment). Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. Click here for an email preview. Please buy it! I dont want to be around YOU. Hold a grudge definition: If you have or bear a grudge against someone, you have unfriendly feelings towards them. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. You dont have the reserves necessary to consider other people at this stage and this is understandable given what you are dealing with emotionally. She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. This for my own sake. (I was afraid they would turn against me). Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. My friends of fifteen years became his friends too, and I did not know how to handle it when he would decide that the relationship was off. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. But thats the way it is. Hmmm. Ive chosen to ignore it. If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. Holy cow he just broke up with me 4 days prior you hope Im doing great???? They think in black-and-white terms. Practice empathy. It is constantly holding something over another persons head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Hes playing with your heart. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. But even if you tend to hold a grudge, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving. It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. . I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. No, I couldnt be lady in waiting and hoping to change my status from booty call to GF, so finally I decided to break unhealthy patternI miss them from time to time, but keep reminding myself what I actually gained from these experiences?! ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. Its unfair. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. ugh! Youre mean to not want to go there. I was so wrong. We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. I like cheeseburgers, but I no longer eat them because theyre not good for me. This behavior continued into adulthood. Theyre either in or theyre out!When you say no to being in one-sided and lopsided relationships, you say yes to loving yourself and prioritising mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. But we really need to forgive ourselves. It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. %PDF-1.6
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Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. Talk to you soon. That would be a mistake. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. And things are not black and white, people are complex, situations are complex (and a lot of information and detail is missing from my post, otherwise it would just be too long).