When life closes a door, just open it again. You wanna know who Im in love with? May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short., See also: 120 Inspiring Wednesday Morning Blessings To Motivate You. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. A backbone. Today is a great day. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. Theres no stopping me now. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. When life closes a door, just open it again. 8. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. 1. And no, that's definitely not a bad thing! If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. Affirmations can either be written down, spoken out loud, or visualized in the form of a conversation between money and you. We all need a little energy boost here and there. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. 29. Nobody is listening, but you still feel embarrassed. - Irish Saying. 51. 222. When nothing is going right, go left. 212. 59. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 1. 188. Walter Bagehot 49. 1. Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. The rest are too expensive. 189. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me. 58. 87. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. You might use humor as a coping mechanism. Never forget that broken crayons can also color. 143. Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time., See also: 210 Killer Self Love Captions For Instagram To Lift You Up. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? "I am becoming humorous day by day.". 199. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. Why did the school kids eat their homework? 56. 221. 180. They planet. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. 220. Helen Giangregorio. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 216. 20. Art doesnt transform. 80. 89. 9. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. A mind is like a parachute. 98. I draw from my inner strength and light. Steve Martin, 254. 168. I dont think thats a coincidence. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 123. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Dont forget to drink water and get some sun. It has nothing new to tell you. Bill Murray, 251. Its okay, he woke up. It will just flow naturally. Check out our funny affirmations selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. A wishbone. health is important. Some when they enter, others when they leave. 178. 166. Learn sign language, its very handy. To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. 1. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 69. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". ". Funny positive affirmations do work. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. - Roy T. Bennett. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. 142. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. 90. 191. Youre not tequila., 5. It has nothing new to tell you. Happy Birthday.". 43. 142. Those who snore always fall asleep first. 77. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. The only power you have is the word no. Enjoy! People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. Ive got three bones. Honolulu, its got everything. 189. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. People who talk behind my back are getting a great view. I am intelligent. Which affirmation put a smile on your face? 87. 88. 120. Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. You can only be young once. Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. 66. Effective pushing often involves poop. I overcome fears by following my dreams. 245. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Have a look! Sincerely, yourself. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? ~ Bill Gates. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. If only common sense were more common. Everyone brings happiness to this office. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today., 12. 16. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours., 6. 171. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. You may hear crickets when you try to tell a joke. We'll get to that later. Discover short videos related to funny affirmations on TikTok. Confidence makes me powerful. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for!, 13. I get up, dress up, and show up. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Positive affirmations aren't about tricking kids into mentally looking at life with eyes that only see what they want to see. Benjamin Franklin. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. 1. Nobody gets out alive anyway. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. I will go out. 114. What do you call a bear with no teeth? 105. What do I do for a living? Affirmations are a powerful tool to overcome self-sabotaging thoughts and boost your self-esteem. Im gonna be worse., 12. 8. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 111. 7. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. They log in. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. 139. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? My son is now an entrepreneur. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I stick to things until I get to my destination. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. 40. 122. Today, I choose to put on my positive pants. Every time I like the taste of the food, I am damn sure that its unhealthy for me. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. 55. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. 193. 150. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. 181. - TS Eliot. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. 174. 122. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. 9. We need to hear a pin drop. 54. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. 21. Because seven ate nine. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? 34. Laughter brings me closer to people. Be careful when you follow the masses. I am attractive just as I am. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. "Have a great Wednesday. 224. Why was six scared of seven? 136. 1. Life is always easier with some humor, smiles, laughter and fun. Flip Wilson The thing is, Im still getting ready. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. Because it was soda pressing. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. 9. Groucho Marx. 91. 63. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. 232. 237. 81. I am calm, patient and at peace. 127. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. He said, 'So does the guy I stole it from.'" 1. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? 71. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. 215. It was created to do amazing things. With a cowculator. Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. 239. 170. Infographic: Why Do People Swipe Right (or Left) on Tinder. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? Wilson Mizner, 262. Dont worry about those who talk behind your back, theyre behind you for a reason., See also: The Best List Of 130 People Talk Behind Your Back Quotes. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. Any text will do. It gets toad away. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. Envelope. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. Hes dreaming too. Edward A. Murphy. Get help beating negative thinking by reciting positive affirmation every day. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. It may feel useless but just get into it. If only common sense were more common. I am joyful for achieving the ones I did. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. [click_to_tweet tweet="Things are getting better all the time" quote="Things are getting better all the time" theme="style4] Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. 63. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. 241. 49. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. They planet. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. Keep your affirmations in the present. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Run. 184. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. Words have the power to make or break us. 209. Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? 173. 182. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 64. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. It takes so little to change your life! 160. A wishbone. 186. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. Why did the can crusher quit his job? When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. Franklin Jones 196. - F. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. 3. Nothing, they just waved. 277. With a cowculator. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. 53. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Positive Daily Affirmations for Women. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. 3. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. I intend to live forever. 171. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. Looking for positive funny affirmations? I see food, and I eat it. I did not trip and fall. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. Bill Murray What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Nothing, they just waved. In between, I am alive., 7. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. "Don't let anyone ever dull your . Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 4. I dont suffer from insanity. When they go away, its a brighter day. 185. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. 61. HAM AND EGGS A days work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. 9. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Helen Giangregorio I am lazy till I get a motive. 97. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. I wish my wallet came with free refills. Stop trying to make everyone happy. It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling.